Hella Chisme Podcast
Hella Chisme Podcast is where unfiltered storytelling meets bold conversation. This show serves up juicy chisme while diving deep into the chaos and beauty of everyday life. From sex, dating, and marriage to pop culture, spirituality, and everything in between — no topic is off-limits.
Through a strong lens on identity, culture, and connection, Dana and friends keep it real for a community of listeners who are curious, culturally fluent, and down for the ride.
Hella Chisme Podcast
Is ‘Normal’ Sex Dead? Hookup Culture, Kinks, and Compatibility
Welcome back to another episode of the Hella Chisme Podcast.
This week, we dig into the messy middle of modern intimacy, when hookup culture skips consent, porn scripts set the vibe, and everyone’s chasing a “10 out of 10” without talking about needs. The question this week is... Does “normal” sex even exist, or have we traded connection for spectacle?
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Hey y'all, I just wanted to let you know that we have a Patreon channel. That's right. If you did not know, we are on Patreon. Our Patreon is$8.99 a month where you can come and watch all of our visual elements to our podcast show. So all you have to do is click the link in our description box and it will take you right here. It's only$8.99 a month. Make sure you go and subscribe. Bye. My name is Dana, and I am your host. Welcome back, y'all. What's going on? Um, not much is going on in my day. It is a nice gloomy Sunday here in San Diego. I think fall is finally starting to uh rear its head, I guess that's the people would say. Starting to show itself. Um it was a little it was drizzling. Um I don't know how hot it is exactly outside though, but I think we're starting to finally um get some relief from that that uh icky humid weather that we were having. Um well it's 76 degrees, so it probably is a little humid out there, but I think we're still um we're still getting some of that um after effects of whatever storm is hitting in Mexico right now. But anyway, um happy Sunday. Hope y'all are all well and y'all have uh what y'all need, and y'all had a fantastic week and weekend. Um what's the tea? Uh for me, you know, I made this delicious coffee cake this week. Um, it I found a recipe. I was craving something sweet on Wednesday night, and uh on Wednesday and then Wednesday night in the evening, I made a coffee cake, a coffee cake, and it has a nice um, it's like a lemon blueberry coffee cake with the cinnamon sugar strudel on the top. It's fantastic, full of butter. Thank you, Jesus. Um, and I took half of it to work because I was just like, there's no way I can keep this coffee cake in my house all week because then I'm just gonna be feel like I have to eat the whole thing. So I took half of it to work and kept like a quarter of it for myself. And so then, you know, the scales are balanced. We have no issues here. Um it's delicious. I'm sitting here looking at it. I've been munching on some of it, the last of it, because it's been my breakfast this morning. Um, because I didn't feel like cooking. I'm also leaving town next week, so I didn't feel like adding anything else to my refrigerator. Uh so there's that. Um, but we're gonna get into some things today. Uh, first and foremost, there's a lot of new music uh out. I've been listening to um Tiana Taylor, tell you Anna Taylor released her album, which is FinTech, which is good. Uh tells a whole story. Um I would say about her and her breakup that she had. Uh, and she has some good, really, really good um uh features on there, especially for like the the interludes and intermissions between the songs. Um, so that's been good. And then, of course, none other than Cardi B finally uh released her album, Am I the Drama, which has been really good. Um, and this is after seven years of uh hadn't released an album since her um first album, which was Invasion of Privacy. Um, and that's crazy to think that was seven years ago. I mean, because still that album is still good to this day. Uh, it's still songs still pop up on my uh Spotify when I'm listening to uh a station. Um, but it has 23 tracks, and um I mean it's magically delicious. I can't, I you know, I can say, you know, she talks about the breakup of her ex-husband offset. Uh, she talks about like, you know, the public perception of her and especially with her um and all the clips of her when she's uh in court. Uh she talks about online beefs, she talks about being a mother. She definitely talks about uh in one of her songs um with her beef with Bia. Uh and um that song is good. I think that's the petty, petty, petty, petty song or something. Pretty and petty. Um that song. And I mean it's just it's got a good it's got a really good vibe, and it's not too it's got a good balance between turned up, but also um we chilling and we vibing, right? Um like dead with Summer Walker is really good, it's one of my faves. Um Bodega Baddie is magically delicious. Um Safe is cute with Kaylani. Uh What's Going On is Fantastic with Lizzo, with Lizzo on those backgrounds. Um Check Please and Principal with Janet Jackson. Uh I haven't heard Nice Guy yet, because I was listening to it on my way home from work the other day. Um, and then we know Up and we know WAP, so which are already um top of the charts. So I'm I'm essentially this album is just gonna make those songs go higher up in streaming. So I'm pretty sure that will be easy. Um, but yes, it's just really good. It is uh I think you know everybody needs to go listen to it. Um you know, Cardi does a very good job of um she does a good job of keeping herself through these times of all the having kids and taking time to release this album, of keeping herself relevant. Um, I also just think she she's a class act and has a good person. I like her personality, whether, you know, sometimes it doesn't come off as good because she's out there telling all her business, but you know, that's what she chooses to do. But I think it's gonna be, I think it's fantastic. So I think everybody should listen to it. Um, but again, of course, you can't release, she can't release her album in peace because why? Because here come the barbs and they want to have some sort of streaming war, and they want to um make sure that you know Nikki's album gets the same amount of streams or more streams than Cardi B's album as it still sits at number one. So the folks are out here trying to stream Pink Friday 2, um, which sure do what you gotta do. Like, I guess. I just don't understand. For me, I'm like, why do we need to try and keep putting these women against each other? Um, but I mean, the other part of that is Nicki Minaj be out here um making her barbs just as dululo as she is. And it's not to say that I don't like Nicki Minaj or I didn't like Pink Friday 2 or anything like that. It's just like, for what? Let that lady release her album and let's move on. Um, how about you get back in the studio and make us another album? You know, it's just that simple. I'm pretty sure you release anything, you had uh she had her world tour and the girls was in the house and doing the damn thing. So I don't understand why it needs to be any of this. Why can't we just do what we gotta do and go about our business? Um, but all in all, uh Cardi B new album is out and it's fantastic. Um, I can't wait to, you know, see how the girl, I mean, I've been seeing how the girlies are reacting to it, but I can't wait to get into it more. I'm also excited for um for whatchamacallit to release his album because he has an album coming out.
SPEAKER_03:And um his album is called I've been having such a brain for it.
SPEAKER_01:It's the whiskey from last night. The time was ahead. But it's gonna come to me. We're gonna get it. Here we go. Josh Levy. I've been waiting for his album to come out. It comes out October 10th. I feel like it's taking forever, but I'm excited for his album to come out too. I've been listening to him for some time. Um and I just like his little 1990s bebop RB style. I'm here for it. Um, so I can't wait. It's gonna be a time and perfect for the fall. Um but yeah, just some things coming up in music that are happening. I'm excited. Um it's interesting because I just did an episode with my brother where we talked about the artists we love to love. Um when that drops, or if it's already dropped by the time this came out, make sure to go listen to it. Um but yeah, music is a big part of protecting your peace. Um, but anyway, just wanted to chat about that real quick, or yap about that real quick. Um this episode is gonna be a good one, so stick around and uh make sure to listen. Let's take a break, and I'll be right back. Bye and we are back. Oh my gosh, guess who's back? Um well, welcome back. Uh so I don't know. Well, I guess it should be out before this one, but we did a comment, we did a um episode before where we were talking about uh you know intimacy and communication with intimacy and all the things. So I feel like this episode will kind of be that uh part two, but I don't know. We'll see kind of how it it boils out. But welcome back to another episode, babe. Um uh what has been going on? How's life been? I mean, you know, we do our thing.
SPEAKER_00:Um living the happily ever after is hard some days, but most days it's pretty easy.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:It's so hard, isn't it? I mean, I like it when it's hard, but that's a whole nother option.
SPEAKER_01:Well, good thing that's kind of on topic of what we're talking about today. We get hella cheese made after dark. I mean, it's kind of dark outside, but it's not, I don't think it's that type of after dark conversation that the folks will probably eat up. I'm sure they would. I mean, there's eating there not, but next topic. Um, so okay. I have a question. Okay. Does normal sex even exist anymore? Like non-kinky, affectionate, whole tight sex? Um, the reason where I'm asking this because it's gonna lead into the conversation and the story that we're gonna jump into, but I wanted to get your first thoughts on is that a thing?
SPEAKER_00:You know, is normal sex a thing?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. What is even normal sex? Is that even a I don't even think that's a thing. I don't either.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, because I mean by classic definitions, the fact that we're gay, we don't have we don't have normal sex. I mean, it seems really normal to me. Right. I mean, and social media would have you believe that it is very normalized. I'm sure a lot of homosexuals feel that's normal. Sex itself, the act of of getting off, I guess, is um what's normal about that? You know what I mean? Or I guess the better question is what's abnormal about that? Right. Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think that's a good question. So today, I mean, a good state, a good point. So today we're diving into um is vanilla sex dead, or is hook has hookup culture just made intimacy take a back seat uh to performance? So I'm gonna read a story. Uh the story I pulled is from um a red from Reddit, and it was a story about uh dating and just um a sex experience that a person had, and it's from a guy's perspective uh who considers himself to be straight. Um so I'm gonna dive into it. Okay. So it starts with I've been noticing something in my hookups lately, and honestly, it bothers me. I'm just a regular guy. I enjoy sex. I can go all weekend if the vibe is right, but more and more I run into women who immediately want the wildest stuff. Choking, rough play, BDSM, you name it. Don't get me wrong, I get it, it can be fun, but I also really enjoy affectionate, normal, non-kinky sex. You know, showing love, snuggling, and being in the moment. What I've been running into is the feeling that performance matters more than connection. Like the rougher, kinkier, and more intense it is, the better it's rated. And if you're not bringing that energy on the first date, the whole thing just falls apart. Here's where it gets hard for me to actually do that kind of kinky rough sex. Well, I need to know the person. I need to know what they like and what they don't. What's safe and what's crossing the line? That takes a lot of empathy, thinking, and consideration. I can't just walk in and start choking someone. I can't just walk in and start choking someone because what if he, what if she hates it? But at the same time, if I don't go there right away, I've had situations where the woman loses interest and falls and calls the whole thing off. So it ends up feeling like there's no room for error. If I can't deliver a flawless performance every time the show's over, and it sucks because I actually do try to make her feel good, safe, and welcome. But the moment I need a little support or patience, the spark just dies. I know not every hookup is going to be amazing and that's and that's life, but it seems like this performance first, connection second attitude is becoming more common. And as a guy who values the emotional side of sex just as much as the physical, it leaves me wondering am I just having bad luck or is it really weird hookup culture is headed?
SPEAKER_00:So immediate thoughts. Um sounds like a gay man's world. I mean, I'm why bother with emotional connections if you can't be satisfied, right? But I'm a man who dates men, and that has been my life. I mean, 20 years at least, you know what I mean? Well, I mean not anymore, because I don't have to hook up anymore. But I mean, um I also wonder if you're so interested and value connection so much, why are you introducing sex into a relationship where you don't have a connection at first so that you can have this safe but wild kinky sex and being choked? I mean, no, thank you for me, but forget it. I mean, it sounds like an average day, just a Tuesday. What's the problem?
SPEAKER_01:So I also feel like what I feel like what I'm hearing is that women have now gone into a space to where they are kind of taking the reins of how they want to have sex because men have tried to dominate that uh area of life or their lives for such a long time. Um, so maybe they're trying to take their power back in it. What do you mean, take their power back? I mean, like, I feel like when in dating culture now today, on especially in on apps, women feel like, or they may feel like that it's all about hooking up for men. And I feel like they're trying to take power back of how what hookups look like for them so they can get what they want out of it.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, first and foremost, I think we're talking about people, and all people like to come. All people like to come out. Orgasms of um and so I think that by discriminating and said men do this and women do that, I think that's her first mistake. Like, you know, um women have always women should always have power and control inside of that. I mean, you can't have sex if she doesn't say yes. So I think maybe she's just demonstrating more of her power and making sure that she gets satisfaction because over the years you have heard this like constant like, oh, I've been with my husband for 20 years, I've never experienced an orgasm. What's the problem? I don't see any problem. Like, if you're not into chubby girls, are you gonna take a chubby girl home and bang her out? No, probably not.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So if she's not getting dicked down right, like, why would she invite you back for a second performance?
SPEAKER_01:Well, and I think the other what's funny about what he was saying was um when he said that if it's not, if I need a little, what did he say? Uh a little support or patience, I'm like, first of all, if she's looking for you to rough her up, she ain't gonna give you no support or patience because that's not what she's looking for.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, but it we're talking about hookup culture.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like if this is not a consistent fuck, like, I don't know. I'm confused by the story, I think.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I I I mean, it it is a confusing story because I think what it boils down to is he don't know exactly what he's looking for andor want. And I'm like, if you are saying that you want something more patient and you want something more um more connective, then you shouldn't be hooking up at all.
SPEAKER_00:Put your dick away. Yeah, sit down, let's go to dinner. Right. Let's let's let's have a full date. Right. And let's see where we end up after that. Like exactly. I mean, I think the only person he's really fucking is himself. Because he's not getting what he wants. Well, obviously. But I also think that that leads to like the other part of the conversation when we start talking about like how much sex plays a role in our lives, and he's not even in the realization that, like, oh shit, I want a companion, not just to get off.
SPEAKER_01:It almost brings me to like when uh in dating life where you would come across the profiles or people who would say, Oh, I'm looking for a long-term relationship. No, you know. But it's like, okay, yeah, but you just there it is.
SPEAKER_00:There it is. You just give me a dick pic. I am confused. I'm looking for emotional connection, but I'd like to know how much do you weigh? How tall are you at times a week do you go to the gym?
SPEAKER_01:That's right. Or, you know, your private pictures are all you getting fucked or second dick on the internet.
SPEAKER_00:But those are gay men, and we are talking about heterosexual relationships. I mean, so there is a variation.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I don't see a problem with the women, and I'm sorry, I don't know why. I just I only see this from the woman's point of view. Me too. I don't see it.
SPEAKER_01:That's what that's why I started with the way I started.
SPEAKER_00:I feel very like, no, you shouldn't be invited back. If this is a hookup and you can't meet the standard, then next. Yeah. Because isn't that what you're doing? Because you're talking about multiple women that you're going through this with, not just this girl that I hook up with, and I feel like, you know, every time we do it, and I don't choke her out and spit in her mouth and call her a fucking whore. She's like, Like, I don't want to do that. It's six weeks until I hear from her again. It's probably because she's running through a roster trying to get the one that can do it the way she wants it. That's gonna bang that thing out the way she wants it. Bang that thing out. I like that one. I mean, sign me up twice. Um, I don't know. The whole thing seems problematic for me. I do feel bad for him in the sense that he sounds less than satisfied. Right. Um, it's great that he is questioning himself about putting in the effort and it isn't that traditional one-sided about the man coming, and then there it is, we're satisfied. I'm dumb, I'm done, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. Send her on about her business. Yeah. Um, but I also like again going back to I feel like it's a disservice because if you're in search of a connection and you want that intimacy, maybe you shouldn't be intimate with someone until you feel emotionally intimate.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I agree with that.
SPEAKER_00:Um, but now on the flip side, I just want to say that I totally think that there is a place for hookup culture. Yeah. I'm because that's not what we're discussing.
SPEAKER_01:There's no debate on that. I don't think there's ever going to be never going anywhere.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, I guess I like, and then of course, uh without being divulging too much information. I mean, we hooked up on our first second date, but uh, you know, and yeah, like I mean, I like I get it. Like I always go back to the uh people always want to say, well, you know, why why he gonna buy the cow if he can get the milk for free? Well, why the fuck is she gonna buy the sausage if she can't taste it first? She can't taste it first, yeah. And on top of it, how much is it per pound and how much poundage is it am I getting for that price per pound? So I mean, at least they're being polite and telling you, no, that's not it. No, thank you. Sorry. Um, but to this young gentleman, um stop having sex, take a woman on a date, ask her if she's into choking. That way you can kind of set yourself up for success. Exactly. Yeah, and I just I feel like like that from here. I'm I mean, and I also don't feel too bad for you because it sounds like you've got multiple women that you're doing this with. Like he has a roster. Well, and but the other side too is that like if this is happening multiple times, what are you putting out there that you're attracting this type of woman? What is your performance like, or what is your your your bio, your feed, how you're meeting these women, or your reputation on the street, that they're like, get Big Johnny. Big Johnny gonna dick you down two times on Tuesday, choke you out, spit in your mouth, do a little jabari on your titties, and then um send you home, you know, wobbly knee. But what are you putting out there that this is giving those people this kind of impression?
SPEAKER_01:Like, well, so it kind of brings me back to the conversation that actually we were talking about yesterday with the dating apps, right? Like you how what are you putting either on your profile when you go out? Are you meeting people in the what's the setting you're meeting people in as well, right?
SPEAKER_00:Are we going on a date and then hooking up? Yeah, or are we just showing up for Netflix and chill? Right. And I mean, that's not intimate, like that's not that could turn into something that is soft and caring and loving, but I mean, also too, and personally, not both those kinds of sex, I only really want to have with somebody that I can trust and have a connection with, right?
SPEAKER_01:So I mean, I honestly I'm like the BDSM thing and just hooking up is not like it, I don't know. Like it's not, I don't I if it was me and I'm hooking up with somebody and I'm like, I like to be roughed up or during sex, I don't know that it would be no. Oh, okay, I didn't think so. During sex, then I don't know that I would be doing that on something. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like it doesn't, it's to me, it doesn't sound like safe sex, no, you know, and I'm all for safe sex, I'm all for consent, I am all for the conversation prior to and leading up to sex so that we can have an idea of like how do we, if you will. I feel like very like party right now. How do you like how do we commingle? Um yeah, just baby off the dating apps, um, a little self-work, maybe a little more self-love, so that you can figure out on your own what it is that you need out of life. You know what I mean? What do you need out of a relationship? Like, and the flip side to it is like my first thought is 90-day celibate, sir. Give himself some time, yeah. 90 day celibate. Like, and I mean, and celibate from other people. I'm not saying like, oh, you don't please yourself, yes, but I'm saying that, like, okay, you want to know what? Do I develop a further and deeper connection with someone not introducing sex? I mean, but also to like, you know, do as I say, not as I do. Not as I do, yeah. But I also don't have those problems in the sense of uh as a gay man, we're usually pretty clear or verbal about about what we want, what we don't want. What do you mean? What's what do you mean? What's up? I mean, are you a top? Are you a bottom? Do you like rough sex? Are you into bondage? Are we like, can I piss on you? You want me to spit in your mouth? Do how rough do you like it? I'm very clear. Get your hands from around my fucking case.
SPEAKER_01:We are very clear. But but I'm saying there are gay men that are not very clear. And it's and they're also not as clear when they tell when we talk about tops and bottoms either.
SPEAKER_00:Because we'll be like, we'll be like, you know, you're talking about the liars, like I'm a top, but then he gets his legs up. Yeah. Like, I mean, you're like, hold on, let me put my purse down. Right. He's already up. Right. You know, wait a second. I thought you were a top.
SPEAKER_01:Or he's like, oh, I am a top, but you know, you can top me. I'm like, just this one time. Don't believe in time.
SPEAKER_00:I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Um, well, I don't know. Maybe this story is a little inappropriate for us to be commenting on. Why? Well, because I mean, you know, it doesn't seem like the world that we're coming from. I don't how much do we really relate to this?
SPEAKER_01:Well, I think we relate in the sense of we do live in a world in a world where uh hookup culture is a thing. We don't hook up, but I mean, there are people in our community that do. And I do think that part of this is a conversation about transparency and about what it is that you're looking for, right? I do agree that, you know, in this aspect of this story, this person, I would do the same thing. I would take some time away. I mean, because at this point, it sounds like you're you're not finding what you're looking for, and you're actually it also sounds like you're also not looking or putting yourself in a predicament to where you're looking for the right things or putting your practice and your actions do not match the projections that's right of what you're saying.
SPEAKER_00:Like you want this is the outcome that I want, right? But this is what I'm doing, and you're like, hold on, wait, like the only way that leads to that, right? The way you're doing it is by chance. Correct. There is a formula out there for success. Correct.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, 100%. And I mean, I I remember before we were, I was married or in a relationship with um this wonderful man. Um I used to delete like the apps for a long period of time. Like I would be like, I'm not doing this. Um, because I just need a break. And also I would have moments of just like um I want to try and put people in in a yeah, organically. And I remember I would delete the app so I can try and do that and get out and be like, I don't feel like talking to the energy.
SPEAKER_00:I'm I mean, now I feel like that becomes a deeper conversation because I don't know people that meet organically anymore. Um the number of people that I talk to that um are new to the city or are like, I don't have a ton of friends, but I don't really want to online, but I would like to meet someone, but every time I go out, everyone's on their phones or stuck into their group of people. Right. Um which weird but segue-ish. Um, last night I was talking to a friend of mine that we've been friends for maybe 15 years. Um after COVID, we just, I mean, I haven't talked to her or seen her probably since before COVID. I mean, probably not even since we've been together. And I was telling her last night, I go, after COVID, I really feel like my my daily conversations, my daily group, I'm still like in COVID. It's only my bubble. Yeah, it's only the people that I really talk to from in my bubble. And I was surprised at how quickly she agreed with me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That she really only associates with those few people. And then it's hard because we're conditioned to be whatever that is, right? Like down to the bubble. And it's hard to meet people because then you're kind of like, oh, I don't know. Like we were trained, I guess, or conditioned, I guess, is the best word. Um, and I think that it is hard for people to meet someone in the real world, and then there's the other end of it. Why the fuck are you so open to meeting and talking to people? What's wrong with you? That that sort of do you but the reality of it is you get some guy that walks up to us a little tipsy in the world and trying to have a conversation. You know, I'm very Drake, no new friends, and it's like, oh, hold on, wait, I don't know what you're doing or why you're doing that or why you're over here talking to me. And it's like, you right, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I cannot imagine, like, I mean, going back to this, you know, the heterosexual narrative of what it's like for a woman to have a man walk up to her in the reality of a uh of the real world, and there's no, hold on, wait, I need a little like precursor. How do we know who you are that you're safe, that you know, you don't have a micro penis? And we're going back, and I'm thinking I'm gonna get, you know, my my headboard bell is gonna ring all night. That's right. Um yeah, that's I don't know. Does that all have does that make sense in the context of this? Yeah, it does.
SPEAKER_01:Honestly, I was I've been waiting for the dick size part to come up because I'm like, I mean, what are what are you giving in the bedroom? What's what's happening? And not that that and that's all relative, right? That does not we're not we're not size queens over here. Um but it's just what I mean.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, I'm no itty bitty short dick man, but and I definitely don't want to go home with one, but that's just a personal thing. It doesn't have to be huge, but then that the but then again, like isn't that all part of the process? It's an equation to like in my mind, I gotta get to what in my mind is a seven. And you know, oh, he's kind of cute, oh he's got a decent job, oh, he's good in bed, oh, it's not as big as I like. Oh my god, we've arrived at a seven. He's cool, he's great. Yeah, is that yeah? I mean, I get that. So it doesn't have to be, you know, if you're not big in one department, dear God, please be big in another.
SPEAKER_01:You know, you can if you can fuck me real good, you better eat pussy real good.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01:And if you or you can you better suck dick real good. One of the two it has to equate in one or the other, in one or the other.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. So at this point in the um in the podcast, we're gonna take a 15-minute interview. Oh my god, stop. I mean, if you're quick, it could be five.
SPEAKER_01:My god, we all know no quickies.
SPEAKER_00:Um okay, I digress. I don't know. I really I just I keep going back to like you should take sex off the table because the problem it sounds like what you're having is in the sex department. The bedroom.
SPEAKER_01:Because you're you're you're not you're taking it from one extreme to the next extreme, and you are saying you want one thing, but you're doing the complete opposite.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and why are you having, you know, well, no, here, let me why are you trying to give away great and amazing sex to someone who isn't necessarily for you? I mean, every time we have sex, is it mind-blowing, earth shattering? No, no, but when it is, it's no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about, and then if we're gonna be honest and we're gonna be open, and we're gonna have like sometimes sex is sex. It's yeah, the the what are the what is the perfunctory? You know what I mean? We're just getting through it, we're just doing it, and it's when it's mind-blowing, it's when it's like choke me out and spit in my mouth and come all over me and shoot it in me four times, and four, then you know that is the exception to the rule. And why are you giving the exception or even making the attempt of giving the exceptional to somebody you don't even know? Right.
SPEAKER_01:Especially if you like it to be more passionate, you like it to have more become more connected.
SPEAKER_00:I see, I don't that part of it I don't pay attention to because I feel like depending on where you are, at what stage in your life or at what stage in the day you try and hit me up. You know, today is Sunday the 21st. We just woke up after going out last night. I mean, we could have, you know, very soft, sweet sex. And then later on in the day, we could get drunk and fuck. And they're completely different things, and they fulfill completely different needs. So I why are you not meeting somebody who's on the same with you? Because it sounds like you're at the bottom of the wave and she at the top of the wave, and y'all not even on the same wave anymore at all. Right? Yeah. Stop having sex, baby. Give yourself a break, try and get to know the person, and then maybe blow their mind with your earth-shattering porn star sex. Since it sounds like you really know how to do it, you know how to ram it up. I mean, well, it sounds like several women know that like this is your get down and you're known for it. And then that becomes the other thing. Is that the problem? Right, is that what you're known for? Oh, pick up Mikey from the club. Mikey's gonna rock. Yeah, that one at the end. That one, go home with that one. He's gonna rim ramificate you, and you know, and different people have different types of sex, yes, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, and and I go back to again, uh, you have a bad day, you want a different kind of sex than oh, we just came home from drinking all night. Yeah, you know, your your I remember when my grandfather passed away, like the sex that I was having then was very different. And I remember looking back after the fact of like I was just trying to fuck myself until I felt better. You know what I mean? It was it was it was a response to depression, you know. Is that what's going on? No, and again, I am only licensed to do your hair. I do not have any kind of mental health um background, but like, are you looking for this sweet, passionate, soft kind of love making because of something else that is lacking somewhere else in your life? Right. Yeah, you know, like I mean, it's not just fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Having sex is more about getting off and procreating.
SPEAKER_01:So I think this brings us to the comment uh that I wanted to highlight. So it says, I think this boils down to women having sex with who they want to have sex with and men having sex with who they can have sex with. As a woman, I'm not having sex with the dude unless we have we have had some base level conversations about what we're into and what is crossing a line into something that I am not into. You know, some basic consent type conversations. I would absolutely freak out if a guy wanted to choke me, so I don't have sex with him. So I don't have sex with dudes who are into choking. They might not uh they might not all reveal it in the beginning, but if they do, we're not going there. So it doesn't sound like he's being uh discerning about who he has sex with, he has sex with who will have sex with him and keeps running into women with kings. He is not compatible with choosing to have sex with people you are you are compatible with sexually would solve this problem, but it doesn't seem like there's any vetting going on here at all. Okay, which I agree with some parts of this. Some parts, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, um I just had a thought. I lost it. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01:Um, well, while you find it's while you gather it, so this is kind of what I was saying in the beginning, right? Where I'm like, um women having sex with who they want to have sex with. That's kind of what I meant when I said taking the having the power or being able to take the power. Um, I do feel like, especially right now, for whatever the fucking reason reason is, like men are having a lot of conversations about how they want to be dominating women and domin be the alpha.
SPEAKER_00:I'm like, and I just immediately first things first, first things, first things first. Please do not show up trying to be some fucking mochismo fucking alpha, unless you are because what I want is for these alpha women, these boss bitches that are out here running their lives. I want them to eat the fuck up. Right. The problem is, I think, with that statement, there is that like we've had such low standards for so long. And now that again, women are speaking up, people are speaking their minds, they're like, I don't want this toxic shit anymore. Yeah, it's about me too. I want to get off, I'm in charge. I say when, I say where, I say why, with who, little hustle and flow reference for you. Um yeah, I just stop having sex. That's the problem, is you're going out here and you're sticking your dick in anybody that will say, okay. And it sounds like what you want is to more like meld your mind, meld your heart, let down a guard. You can take off your clothes, but that doesn't necessarily make you vulnerable.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I so for the the alpha piece, I feel like that is something that is it shouldn't need to be said. Like, to me, you show that you have like though those kind of leadership, because to me that just means you want somebody who can take who can um who can take ownership and take the lead on things. And it doesn't, you don't need to say you're an alpha in order to be one. You should be able to just do you shouldn't need to think that say that. Like, I don't need to tell you I'm an adult. You can see that I'm a I'm a I'm grown. Um and so I just feel like that shit is just like whack to me. And I agree, like, eat them alive because that that alpha bull should be the first reason I call a man a bitch. Yeah, that'd be the be the first. Be the first. I'd be like, oh, got you, you bitch mate, cool, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I for me, I uh that sort of like the bully, brutish, yeah, I just don't respond well to that. And I think that the other thing about it is is that if you come in and you're acting like that, there's this expectation. And now you want to, if if we don't know this man, but if you know, if that's how you're acting and that's your reputation and that's what you're putting out there, and you want to come, you know, back to the apartment, and you're like, um, just hold me. I mean, yeah, she wants to get fucked and you acting like a bitch. You confused, I'm confused. Why are you confused? Like, what are we doing? I mean, especially if it's hookup culture. I mean, isn't that what we're there for? Is to hook up. Right. I mean, it's like calling a prostitute over and then getting mad when she asks for the money. Right. After you've sat there and cried on her too. This is what we came here to do. That's right. Uh, but I mean, you know, I maybe the the other thing that we should delve into is that, and I I'm gonna use this loosely just because I feel like it pertains to the story, in the sense of like you picking up a hoe and wanting her to act like your wife, right, and you get mad because you picked her up as a hoe, right, and she treating you like a hoe because you're not her husband. Now she flipped the script and now you're mad because we all playing the parts that we were hired to play for tonight.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not mad at her.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, stick in your tears, and I'm called a therapist. Do not come to the bar and pick up on me. Yes, you there's a hotline somewhere, I'm sure. Dana will find the number. He's gonna put it up at the bottom of the screen for you. 1-800. I don't know why I act like a bitch. I don't know, and also too, I don't wanna, he's not a bitch. Like, let's be he because he wants a connection. I think that his behavior is his bitch made. Uh yeah. Like, I don't feel like I should agree with that, but I feel like that is probably the closest that we're gonna be able to get to that. You you you picking up a girl and and and wanting this intimate, soft, familiar behavior. And you mad because she like, I'm sorry, John, right? John, John, I just came over here to get dicked because you was with Sally last week and she told me about the ropes and the handcuffs. Right. So I said, yes, let's get an Uber for that. Right. Not can I lay my head on your titties and tell you about my problem? Right, right, right. No, we are not friends. I'm here for the fuck. Period?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Okay. Um, well, I think that deserves a quick little break. Um, let's take a quick break and then we'll be right back because of the fifteen year old.
SPEAKER_00:It's a thirty-second break.
SPEAKER_01:When I mean the talent gets no. You are killing me thinking you are the talent. Oh my gosh, you are hilarious. Are you the drama? Are you Cardi B? I I mean, we all love Cardi. I could never. Um, so let's I wanted to get into some facts. Um, you know, this show is all about the facts. Uh, so one that I want to share about is uh sexual compatibility. So sexual compatibility matters. Um, research shows that um it's one of the strongest predictors of long-term satisfaction when people align in what they want. So whether you like a kinky, whether you like a vanilla, uh, or somewhere in between, um, you you have to talk about it.
SPEAKER_00:And that's how of what you want through it, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And that's but that's talking about it and um making sure you know that about one another is important. And that's how your relationships and sex relationships thrive, right? Um the next one is hookup culture often skips consent conversations, which is uh kind of what you brought up earlier, is that you're not having sex with a woman unless she says yes, um, which is important. Consent is very important, especially when we talk about BDSM. Um, if you are really into that culture and really uh delve into the things, um, they talk about that too. It's it's all about consent. And your partner, whoever that is, is the one that is giving you consent to do what it is that you are gonna do in that realm of things. Um the next one is uh porn influences. I think this has, I mean, porn has a lot of influence on a lot of people's lives, and especially when you come to when it comes to sex. Um, but you also have to realize a lot of those, those people are actors, right? And they are performing a duty and job. Well, it's all curated. It's all curated, right? Whether it's on OnlyFans or not, like they are curating and putting together a product for you as the people to consume. Yeah. Um, so you have to know that if it's getting too rough, whether it's choking, pissing, whatever it is, when that camera is turned off or when it's paused and you see it skipped to the next scene, it's probably because one of them was like, You doing too much. Or they were like, Let's reel that back in. Um, so you know, I think I think we even when we talk about um when you're younger and you've somehow gotten a hold of porn and you're like, oh, this movie taught me how to have sex. No, that's not how that should be. Um so yes, just thinking about those things and talking about the facts of those few things. Do you have anything to add to that?
SPEAKER_00:I mean, I think when you're when you're talking about the consumption of porn or just porn in general, porn is there and designed to get the consumer off. Now, whether or not the talent on screen is into it or not, or is consensual or not is a whole different thing. Now, I think if we if you want to fuck like a porn star, you should probably treat your sex life the same way like a business, in the sense that there is a form that we're filling out. What are we into? What are we not into? What are the expectations of this encounter? What is a no-go? What is a, you know, what is a safe word? Um, what is the reaction inside of the safe word? You know, like all of those things are part of it. I mean, also part of it is like, you know, are we talking about your sexual history and your sexual background and when have you been tested? What have you been tested for? What have you tested positive for? Have you taken care of that? Um, what concerns do I need to have? Um, again, on an emotional level, do you have trigger words? Are there things that will set you off or turn this off? Or that's it, this is over. You know what I mean? It's almost like contractual.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You know what I mean? Here is the survey. Please fill out the survey, and then I'll figure out where we're going and what we're doing from there. Um it's do you remember when we kind of like first started dating and we it got a little bit more serious? And it was like, okay, hold on. We need to have the conversation about the business of being in a relationship. Do you know what I'm you remember that? So, what I'm going to say to you is that are you having the conversation of the business of sexual interaction of consent? Like, do you have a checklist or a conversation or questions that you're running through in order to go, yeah, I can totally bang this dude out. Or he don't sound in a great headspace this week. Maybe let's not choke me out, beat me down. It's not dabble. Uh, but I mean, I don't know. It's also being so far removed from hookup culture and and and dating and all of that. I mean, maybe I'm out of touch. Maybe my expectation of how to handle it and how to do it is different. Um, I also don't necessarily feel that I have the um the same sort of hang-ups about talking about sex and being forthcoming about what we can do or what we can do or what I'm into or what I'm not into. Like I'm not shy about it. No, yeah. But um, you know, for her to be more like, is this what I want? Is this not what I want? You know, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Now that I'm saying that, maybe I felt like I said that wrong because it does sound like I'm blaming the woman when he's the one with the fucking problem. I take that he needs to be clearer about it because she just wants a good time and was willing to go. And he no, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be talking about you, dear sir, from Reddit, but no more sex for you, sir. You need to little celibacy, that little checklist, the little survey. You should have one for yourself so that you can learn how to work that into a conversation because you're not getting what you want. Because I don't think you're asking doesn't sound like any question, any question, but the right question or doing research, doing the his research. Yeah, where's your RD? You know what I mean? Like, come on, and I mean, it's not just research, it's also development. Like, are we developing connection? Yeah, you know, and why are you giving away fucking porn star sex with somebody that you're like, I'm sorry, what was your name? I mean, but we don't know that.
SPEAKER_01:We just know that he's saying we know he said that, but we don't know the take him at face value.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, do I believe it? No, I mean that's not my problem, yeah. But I'm gonna take him at face value, and if you're saying you're putting that out there and you're not getting what you want out of it, maybe have a conversation first so that we can set expectation. Okay, you know, yeah, I agree. I mean, I'm very clear when I tell you, like, babe, I'm gonna be treated like a slut tonight. Versus come over here, let's huddle and make love. Are those cues? Like, right? Those are those are cues, like, oh, you know, I'm not really in the mood for porn star, you know, treat you like a slut tonight.
SPEAKER_01:You know, and right? Yeah, I mean, I agree. Um just like I just yeah, poor thing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but I also feel like you know, going back to it, no sex is normal.
SPEAKER_01:No sex is normal.
SPEAKER_00:No, there's not a standard really. I mean, because if it were, it would be 1554, and we'd all still be in fucking missionary position. Well, I guess not even then, because the Greeks and the Kama Sutra have some really wild shit.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, cause there's like paintings of weird, weird positions, but it's not weird, but different different positions, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I mean, yeah, and that's just now. What like what else can we discover about sex and what in a hundred years is going to be different? Who knows? You know, I I'm you look at some of these futuristic movies where you know, where you're you see like, do you consent to intercourse? Do you consent to intercourse? Yes, I do. Now blood testing. I mean, and then there are other ones when you think about what was that. Movie Demolition Man with Sylvester Salone and um Sandra Bullock and like all the sex took place on a VR headset. I mean, well, they're already doing that. Yeah, but that seems abnormal sex to me. Like on a VR headset? Well, I'm just we're talking about I'm referring to no, no, no. I'm just talking about normal versus abnormal sex. And look at we live in the same household. We have sex a lot, and we have two differing opinions on I don't want to have VR sex. I'm good. I I I it it just seems weird to me. Your your first thought was, I mean, that's okay, people are already doing it, it's normalized. So that's my thought on that. Got it. Your PSA for the day.
SPEAKER_01:Um, all right. Well, that wraps up this portion of the show. Um, we will take our final break, and then I'll be back to wrap up the rest of the show. Bye. Hey y'all, if you like what you heard, make sure you join the conversation. We always say to make sure to like, comment, and subscribe, and we definitely want you to do that. But also, we would love if you would join in with us. There's a link in the description where you can actually send us messages. You can also make sure to tag us on social media, put up your favorite clips of the show, and then tag us, and we will repost them on our stories. That is the best way to get in communication communication or community with us, and we would love to see y'all interact with the content. Anyway, thank you for following us and thank you for listening. And we'll see you back for the remainder of the show. Bye. And we are back. So, um, I hope you enjoyed today's conversation, uh, today's conversation. I surely did. I thought it was a great way to just kind of have that other side of that conversation when it comes to dating and um talking a little bit about consent and talking about um different experiences people have when it comes to dating and or having sexual encounters with others. Um husband always makes that fun because he's just a fun person to have some conversations with. Um, have those type of conversations with. Um, but in wrapping it up, you know, we've pulled our cards for today. So from the what's the gossip card, we have the deja vu card. And from the goddess oracle deck, we have the feeling and heal card. Um, so let's see what's going on. So the feeling heal says, Allow tears as part of growth, don't suppress emotions for strength. The deja vu card says repeating patterns, familiar lessons, unresolved issues, we've been here before. So it sounds like the two of these we're talking about, um letting some shit go. Uh, because if you if we're repeating some patterns and we um are in a place to where we're super emotional about it, uh it's time to to to to let some of that oh shit go and to um grieve it. You know, grieving, um a grieving process, processing grief is important and it just depends on how you do it. Uh, if you've been in the space that you're in, either whether it's with a relationship, maybe with work, or maybe um in friendships or something, uh, and maybe they're repeating the oh patterns, or maybe uh and you're repeating the pattern by letting them do whatever's happening, do what they're doing. Um it's important to not suppress that, right? To make sure you tell them or you communicate what it is the issue is. And um, if it does end up in, you know, breaking up or separating of some kind, uh, it's important to feel that and heal from that. Um I know for me, this makes me think of just some things that I've been going through with uh with work and trying to let it all go and move the fuck on. Um, that's been a very uh strong statement for me as of lately because I'm not, I don't do well with dwelling on the past or dwelling on shit that continues to come up. People like to do that, they love to sit in misery. I'm not one of those people. Um, and I think it's important to leave the shit where it is and move the fuck on. Um, but never forget, but you can forgive, uh, is how I always is what I like to say. Um so with that, I hope that it takes that gives you something to take with you uh through the rest of your weeks. Um and hopefully you will be able to um do some thinking on the subjects, on those subjects. But overall, I hope you enjoyed this week's this week's episode. Um, it's still weird saying this week's, even though we come out uh two times a month, but I'll probably won't stop saying that. Um, but I hope you enjoy. Thank you for listening, and I'll catch you back on the next episode. Bye.
